You made a choice to end things and while I don’t agree with that choice, I am going to have to accept and respect it.
Even after all this time and all of the experiences that we have shared, you told me that you weren’t ready for anything serious. You weren’t looking for anything that you could sink your teeth into. You weren’t interested in anything that was going to demand a lot of time, effort and commitment from you. You didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone me included.
But that’s not even the part that hurt the most. What stung me is that when you told me all of those things, you made me realize that I wanted all of the things that you straight out didn’t want from me. I wanted to be in a place that you didn’t want to go and that’s what caused me so much pain. The moment that you told me that you weren’t interested in prolonging things with me, it just broke my heart. You caught me off guard and there wasn’t much that I could do about it. There was just a sense of helplessness that manifested within me and I couldn’t bear it. You deliberately chose to just end a very rich and meaningful history with me out of the blue. I thought that things were going to last between the two of us but I guess I thought wrong. I let my own stupid assumptions get the best of me. I hoped also much and I ended up falling so hard because of it. I was so ready to make things official with us. I had mustered enough bravery and courage to actually take that leap of faith towards having a relationship with you. And little did I know that you would chicken out. I didn’t realize that you were scared and that you weren’t willing to be brave for me like I was willing to be brave for you. I was so ready to jump and take the plunge into unknown waters with you but you only wanted to stay on solid land. I was so prepared to board that ship into a life of love with you but you only wanted to stay on the shore. But more than anything else, it hurts me a lot to know that everything that you and I had built up to that point had been a complete waste; everything ended up being so pointless even when I had considered those moments to be the most precious of my life. I hate how you gave me a taste of something that I never knew I wanted so badly and then just when I was ready to take another bite, you alsok my plate away. I have every reason in the world to be mad at you. People wouldn’t blame me for being angry with you and hating you with all of my guts. But I don’t hate you. I won’t be angry at you. Instead of harboring any negative feelings, I am going to choose to focus on all of the positive memories that you and I have shared in the short time that we had together.
I’m going to choose to keep all of those conversations that we had into the wee hours of the night. I’m going to choose to keep all of those spontaneous trips to nowhere that you alsok me on. I’m going to choose to keep all of those little sweet gestures that you used to do for me just to put a smile on my face. I lived for those little gestures. I’m going to choose to keep all of those sweet little texts that you used to send me whenever you were bored just to let me know that you were thinking of me and you were looking forward to seeing me again. I am going to choose to keep all of those times that you chose to put my needs above your own just to let me know that you valued my presence in your life in ways that no one else ever would or could. I’m going to choose to be happy about the little time that we spent together because even though things ended prematurely, it was much better than having nothing at all.
I’m going to choose to be thankful for what we almost had; how at one brief point in our lives, you chose to put me above anything and everyone else.
You made a choice to end things and while I don’t agree with that choice, I am going to have to accept and respect it. I am going to have to find a way to move on with my life, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget about you. That doesn’t mean that I won’t carry you with me wherever I go in life. And lastly, I hope that you eventually become ready to have something real with someone even if that someone isn’t going to be me.
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé
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