You’ve met a great guy, you find him attractive, you can talk with him for hours, but there’s one “small thing”. He doesn’t want a relationship right now.
Flip through any women’s magazine or ask any female currently dealing with a so-called “f*ckboy” and they will all tell you the same thing: that men are the ones who are non-committal.
And while this has been known to be mainly a stereotype, with there being plenty of men in the world who actually take on the role of hopeless romantics better than us girls, there’s still a high number of us who have been faced with a man who just couldn’t (and wouldn’t) commit.
He was the classic “Enormous” type from Sex and the City—the kind of man who co-signs on a card with you, who wouldn’t let you leave your hairdryer at his place and, of course, who got cold feet when it came to calling you his girlfriend.
So, when faced with this situation, what’s a girl to do? Do we call it quits? Play games to make him jealous? Be patient?
Don’t fret, girlfriend, we got these six essential steps on what to do with those men who need a little bit of an extra push when it comes to relationships.
Give in to the chase
Men are highly transparent in the fact that they love the chase. To them, it’s thrilling. A true challenge—the emotional equivalence of what a bouquet of flowers or a sweet good morning text is to us girls.
In other words, the chase gives him that butterfly feeling that makes him think, hey, I could actually see myself being with her.
Men like this may seem hard to nail down, but playing hard to get isn’t as difficult as you might think. It takes less effort if you think about it—you won’t respond at the speed of lightning to his texts; you will be out with your friends instead of always ditching them for him and you won’t stress as much or seem too eager (read: desperate) to start a relationship. Phew. So, go on, give into the chase and drive him wild.
Design him earn it
Often in our quests to get men to commit, we end up giving them all the power. We make it our mission to change their minds on love and thus, change sure characteristics about ourselves.
Well, enough is enough. Doing all that can be exhausting and it begs the questions: is all this worth it? Should going after a relationship be this hard?
We are strong, independent, fierce women (now repeat that twice, with feeling!), so we shouldn’t always have to take on the role of these princesses in despair who need a man to commit and magically fix everything.
Love goes two ways, so make sure you’re making him earn your affection and the privilege to call you his girlfriend, too. How do you do this?
You achieve this by going off and being independent—by living a life that doesn’t require a man, but should the right one come along, ahem, him, then, well, that’s just a perk.
Be honest with what works for you
In Gilmore Girls, Rory met Logan, a gorgeous, yet stereotypical ‘hard to commit’ guy. He dated different girls every week, was always off busy causing trouble with his friends and lived a party lifestyle.
Yet, she was so intrigued by him that she was willing to throw all her dating rules aside and just go with the flow, the flow meaning that for the first time in her life, she was “casual dating girl.”
This worked for a little while, but eventually, the real her just couldn’t take it anymore and she had to be honest with him that things weren’t working.
Now, of course, in true TV fashion, Logan decided he didn’t want to lose her and gave being a boyfriend a try. In real life, however, while the guy in your life may not commit—not right away at least—the good thing is that you’re being honest.
Find out what’s happened in his past
It’s no secret that heartbreak can screw up a person. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and, as a result, we often go to great lengths just to avoid ever feeling it.
We hook up with randoms, avoid relationships with a ten-foot pole and rarely agree to divulge much on the past. If the guy you’re pursuing sounds like this, then you need to talk to him about these things.
Behind avoidance is often fear, so there’s a good chance that if you dig deep, you can discover what exactly is holding him back from committing.
Deliver an ultimatum
Ultimatums are scary. You’re basically laying all your cards out on the table and, in a risky gamble with your heart, you’re either going to be happy with the results or , sad.
But, if you’re going to do it, you have to do it right. Men tend to get scared off easily, so if he has a problem with commitment and then you tell him that it’s either commit or lose you, it will be overwhelming.
To make the transition seamless, make sure the days before dishing out your ultimatum are smooth-sailing, with you two getting along and him having lots and reasons to say yes to committing.
Go with the flow, have plenty of good dates and give him a little bit of the chase. This could mean that you don’t message him as often as usual, etc, all things that give him a glimpse into what not having you in his life will look like.
Know when to walk away
When all’s said and done, there comes a point where you’ve given your all, only to get nothing but heartbreak back in return, that it’s time to just walk away. Carrie did it with Mr. Enormous in Sex and the City, after months of their tremulous relationship.
The last straw came when he refused to introduce her as his girlfriend to his mother. Then, right when they were set to jet off on a tropical vacation, she decided to lay it all on the line and ask him the one question she was terrified of the answer to: was she the one?
It was his inability to say it that gave her everything she needed to know.
And so, she walked away. And there may come a point where you have to, too. It will be hard. It will hurt like a bitch. It will feel like you’ve wasted months, maybe even years of your life, but at least you can walk away knowing that one day, the hurt will turn to hope and you’ll meet the right person you’ve been waiting for.
The person who will want to be yours the moment you meet, who will do whatever it takes to make you feel loved and appreciated and who you won’t have to play games with just to gain their affection.
And who knows, maybe things will work out with you and Mr. Hard-To-Commit down the line, when he’s older, more mature and, more essentially, more capable of accepting a love like yours with open arms.
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé